I’ll fight you if I see this foolery on your profile. Jk. I’ll keep swiping as I’m far too passive for alladat… Unless you sexy then none of this applies. Just toss them pics up and I WILL make myself right at home in your dms. ‘Sup.

Ahhh, le online dating.

A way to allow multiple potential sexual partners within a set radius right to pass judgment on you with limited strategically placed information all from the comfort of your toilet.

I’m as shallow as they come, but I like online dating because it does provide people with an unique opportunity to write (lie) about themselves and show some personality outside of their (questionable) looks. Our ancestors didn’t have this shit! They had to go about meeting and hating each other the old fashioned way in public spaces. Imagine all the time wasted going on dry dates and trying to be at home to catch phone calls from the few they did tolerate and want to penetrate. We are truly living in the best of times.

Hell, I can learn enough about you online without going through the trouble of engaging in a whole conversation before learning you’re actually nuts and I want nothing more than to grab a handful of cherries from the bar (only cherry you’re gonna see tonight), throw them in your face to temporarily distract you while I make a beeline for the exit knocking the fake ID out of the bouncer’s hand, but potentially saving an underaged girl from also suffering at the hands of your incredible boredom. “Learn from my mistakes, boo!” I shout as I roll across the hood of a parked car.

That hasn’t happened.

I’m not a hero.

Yet.

With that in mind, you would think people would seize this opportunity to shoot their shot with people they may not otherwise encounter or meet IRL and put their best verbal foot forward, right?

LOOOOOOL!

U silly. Tricks are for heaux (yes, men can be heaux too) and that’s about all there is on TindBumMatchCupidBagelHinge. Best to toss your better judgment into the backseat and get that thumb ready (not for that… to swipe… wow. This is exactly why we can’t have nice things) for some truly mind-numbing profiles and interactions that will leave you so exhausted you’ll be singing Black Eyed Peas. If we’ve hit a point in our lives where BEP is acceptable again, then this is truly the end.

“Oh my God, I just love your positive energy, P!”

🙂

Anyways, here are a few points that are completely redundant and overplayed that I don’t need to see in dating profiles anymore. No more, I say! Nada más.

If you have any of these points in your profile, just go ahead and toss your phone into an oven pre-heated to about 450º. Something deserves to heat up in here and it definitely is not your dating life:

• Anything related to needing your passport or your fervor for traveling: We all like to go places and see things. All of us. Having traveled to multiple places is practically a requirement for being a citizen of the modern world. Now, if you don’t like to travel that is something I wanna read about. You uncouth homebody, you! **sent from my mother’s basement**
• Emojis in lieu of words: 
• Your Snap or IG handle: Let me get to know you before I see the fake life you’re building online. I want to compare notes on what you’ve told me, how you are online, and how awkward you’ll be in person. I’m also positive your car selfie will actually be more of a lady boner killer for me. It’s 2018! Let’s find a new way to disappoint.
• Blank profiles that just say “message me”: …About what exactly? Your lack of profile conversation points and 5 selfies with no captions are already setting a low expectation for meaningless convo filled with one too many texting acronyms (cut to 11am on a Tuesday. Phone vibrates and a “wyd” text illuminates across my screen. Bitch, I’m working and you should be too!). We’re going to be stuck in an endless loop of boring text small text that will lead no where… and in that vein…
• Your “Stats”: Don’t need your height/measurements, don’t need your astrological emoji, don’t need to know that you’re a “brother, lover, friend” and I shouldn’t but I’m going to assume you are single if you’re on a dating site. Your stats give me nothing to talk about. “Hey, saw you’re 6’2.” Sounds like a good time with all that different tall person air up there. Do you touch the bottom of planes or…?” We can find other clever ways of talking about ourselves. Get those creativity bonus points!
• One Photo or Primary Photo Is a Group Shot: I don’t have much to go on here so if you have one photo, that only leads me to assume that you have only ever taken one noteworthy photo in your life and meeting up in person will be a wild gamble. Are you attractive or is you fug? AM I FEELING LUCKY?! (I shouldn’t. I always lose.) Conversely, if I can’t immediately figure out who you are in the photo, why would I need to even invest precious swiping time by diving further in hopes that you’re the cute one in the photo. You never are.
• Any Mention of Loving to Eat or Being a Foodie: This goes back to our first point. WE ALL LIKE TO EAT. Show me someone who doesn’t like to eat and I’ll show you the person with body dysmorphia, who frankly, won’t even be a good time to date anyways with all that complaining and worrying.
•  “Love spending time with my friends!”: Am I dating your friends or you? Again, if you enjoy doing basic human activities, great. Don’t tell me. It is assumed. 
• Anything About Being Adventurous and Exploring: Unless this is about butt stuff, it’s not necessary and no one is impressed. If this is indeed about butt stuff, please, you have the floor. Don’t deny us of an anal education… Analcation. You’re welcome.

Ok! Back to my life of jade and solitude.