Granted, I’m not even 30 yet (just two months away from officially not knowing any of you selfie taking, oversharing, Tik Tok making kids anymore. I will be joining Brie and the girls on Wednesday at the corner table for a 2pm glass of sauvignon blanc post Soul Cycle while we see how many times we can get the busboy to bend over and pick up our “dropped” napkins. We’re really just trying to sneak looks at his Armenian ass. The Kardashian women don’t have a monopoly on the tight Armenian ass game… Yet.), but I think I’ve figured out the secret to life. Yeah. I’m going to share it with you too. For free. I’m only doing it because knowledge is power and we only get better as a society with it.

Plus, I don’t want to charge, have someone follow my advice, die as a result, and then get sued.

Also, this is like a partial discovery– not a full blown revelation because I’m only a third or so through my own life. Rather, just some shit I’ve noticed that has really allowed me to feel confident and better about my own life. Some may call it delusion.

First, we’re all just faking it out here.

No one has any of this figured out.

No one!

We just get older and hope that it’s the year everything makes sense. Then, another year passes without a big revelation… and another… and another and next thing you know you’re starting to worry if maybe you need to hit reset because your life seems to be stuck on the load screen. (Did you try blowing on it? No, this isn’t the time for a bad gaming/sex pun!).

You’re not alone because most of us feel the same way contrary to what our social feeds may say.

When I first entered the magical world of professional employment, I was scared shitless of being the little girl in the room that didn’t know anything. Everyone there was smarter, had more experience, and knew exactly what was going on. At the ripe age of 31 and beyond, they were seasoned, wise veterans who knew their shit and had everything all figured out. Even Georgia the tv producer who was (not so) secretly sleeping with a married tv anchor, always had on the cutest outfits, and existed solely on 28 almonds a day and Evian. She had a plan even though it wasn’t as clear as some of our peers.

At least, I thought these people had it figured out. The dumbest thing I did was harness my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity with my colleagues into fears that kept me from exploring what my potential could be. Those fears still creep in from time to time. I’m only human.

We leave college thinking we’re prepared for the working force because we aced all of our exams and have that expensive piece of paper proving that we are adults. Trained, professional, smart, and unique adults. We get our first job, head in for our first day, receive our first task and then quickly realize we might actually be remedial. None of this was on the test! Imposter syndrome sets in and we find ourselves worrying that we aren’t as great as we think we are.

Remember, you’re there for a reason. You’re in that room full of people that have supposedly figured it out because you have something to offer. Even if it’s just offering the perspective of someone that hasn’t a clue of what is going on. That’s great because the rest of the room is too caught up in their own insecurities of wondering when their cover will be blown on knowing absolutely nothing so your confidence is a welcomed reprieve.

When you realize we’re all just faking it, fear and intimidation go out of the window. You’re playing with peers now. Not foes.

Everyone is faking it. Some are just doing it better than others.

You know more than you think.

The people you see that are “making it” all share one thing in common. They’re confident. It’s not that confidence where you think, “hey, I’m going to say I’m a confident motherfucker and hopefully people will buy it…?… :’)”

No, this is a level of confidence that is almost ignorant. It’s a blinding belief in yourself. No one can tell you anything because you know what the fuck you’re doing. You know your capabilities. There’s no doubt and you’re actually questioning the intelligence of your naysayers because if bets were being placed, you would put it all on yourself.

Be confident in your abilities. Share your knowledge and if you have something to say, say it! The best way to realize how much you do know is to try explaining something to someone. Not only do you have to know what you’re talking about, you have to know it so well that you can make it easy enough for a novice to understand.  

The day you understand you know something someone else doesn’t and the value of that knowledge is the day someone looks at you and thinks, “they’ve got it all figured out.”

Conversely, you don’t know a damn thing.

Be confident in what you know, but also understand there’s a lot you don’t know. Just as there is power in having answers, there’s also power in being able to say, “I don’t know.” No one expects you to know it all. Unless, you’ve told them that you do and if you did, why did you do that?

ABL. Always be learning.

Remember how I said we’re all just faking it out here? Take advantage of that and actually learn something that puts you ahead of your peers. Learn about things that interest you and even things that don’t. Stay curious and never satiate that thirst.

The smartest thing we can do is learn. Make mistakes and take risks. If it works out, great! If it doesn’t, even better because you got the opportunity to learn something along the way. That’s something you can’t pick up in a classroom and it gives you such a dramatic advantage of your peers. Life can’t be taught in a classroom. It’s homeschool. You have to live it and teach yourself because none of us have the same curriculum.

The second smartest thing we can do is listen to others. Don’t listen to figure out what you want to say next. Listen and hear a story, an experience, a perspective that teaches you something you didn’t know.

Everyone is not your friend, but everyone is worth getting to know.

I know a lot of people and I’m friendly with even more. When it comes to true friends, however, I only have about five. That’s by design.

Everyone doesn’t have your best interests at heart and don’t get tricked into thinking they do. It’s really easy to confuse oversharing with vulnerability and realness. A lot of people will throw their whole life out there hoping something will bait someone into helping them deal with their problems. Cool, but what does that do for you? Don’t fall into the trap of always being someone’s savior.

The people that actually care? They talk to you about your projects. They check-in, just because. You find yourself growing as a person with them and they add immeasurable value to your existence. Your meetups never center around something surface level like drinking and dancing until the lights come on and then chatting about the “omg” moments the next day. That can (and should) be part of it (who doesn’t love a mindless good time?), but you also need to have something substantial in the friendship.

We’re as good as our friends. Pick friends that are better than and challenge you. Pick friends that have hobbies and passions. Pick friends that are your number one fan and that make you want to turn around and do the same for them.

I love getting to know people. We’re fascinating. I especially enjoy talking to people that aren’t like me. It can be extremely frustrating at times, but I can appreciate the different perspective and it’s a humbling reminder that not everyone is like me and we’re all operating differently.

And with that, go at your own pace.

Fuck the timelines. We only get one life and you’ll be a lot happier if you live it the way you want. Society has given us a timeline of how we should be living our lives. Last I checked, I’m not in college (waste of money, which is a different article for a different day) so what am I doing following a rubric that won’t even be on the test at the end?

We all want different things in life. Don’t let society trick you into thinking you want the white picket fence with the kids and the dog. It’s not for everyone, but totally cool if that’s what you want.

Ladies, we can be creatively aspirational. We don’t have to try to lock down a dude and have babies and you certainly aren’t a failure if 30 rolls around and you haven’t done that. 35 on the other hand… I’m kidding.

Fellas, you don’t have to be providers. There are a lot of boss ladies out there who are more than happy bringing home the guac while you tend to the house. I mean, don’t think you’ll find a woman that’s cool with you sitting in your underwear playing Call of Duty all day, but know you don’t have to fall into traditional societal roles either.

We can have goals of marriage, solitude, travel, career we genuinely enjoy, learning something new every week, or building a family. The thought of getting married and having kids makes me want to sprint into oncoming traffic, but my goals may not be your goals and that’s ok.

We’re all uniquely different and we all have uniquely different wants. The quicker we’re able to figure out what it is we want in life, whether it be money, a relationship, simplicity, or happiness, not what society is telling us it should be, the quicker we’re able to adjust our focus in figuring out how to get that life.

Stop comparing.

It’s easier now than ever to compare ourselves to others. Take a few swipes on Instagram-lane and get that confidence humbled really quickly. Again, we’re all operating on a different pace and holding yourself to someone else’s goals will never make you happy.

We’ve gotten into this mind frame of constantly wanting the best. What’s the best place to eat? Where’s the best place to stay? What’s the best event to go to? What’s the best way to live?

“The best” is subjective. The best is what you experienced and enjoyed. Your best can become someone else’s best or your best might be shared with absolutely no one. Don’t worry about having the best. Figure out what makes the best for you and find it.

We’re all playing this life game differently for an amorphous “success” prize. It looks different to every single one of us, but we all want it. Some of us will get to our version of it before others and some of us are still figuring out what our prize even looks like. The thing is, we can’t look at others that have reached their prize and think they have it any better then we do. Different goals yield different routes.

So that’s it. Those are the secrets to life.

Sorry to spoil it for you and hey, I could even be wrong about some or all of these things, but this is what’s working for me. Who’s to say 65 or 95 year old me won’t look back on this and laugh at the sheer naïveté of it all.

Assuming I can still see. If not, I’ll have my cabana boy read it out loud to me… assuming I can still hear… or even communicate… the cabana boy is a definite though.

I don’t have everything figured out. Not even close. I’m not even at the top, but I’m well on my way. I hope to see you there.