Not pictured: My puckered anus in an attempt to not release my bowels.

I recently met my favorite celebrity: the icon and legend, Mariah Carey. I’ll pause for a moment to allow you to gather yourself from the floor and resume a normal pace of breathing.

Good? No, no. Take your time.

Ok? Wonderful.

We’ll discuss how my obsessive love for the daydreaming, heartbreaking, sweet like honey, butterfly releasing, elusive chanteuse, Mariah is vastly out of character for my dry and generally cynical personality later. That is not why I’ve summoned you here today.

Freshly equipped with my extensive experience in celebrity encounters, I think it’s fair to say I am now an expert in the space, which is why I’m excited to share my knowledge with this comprehensive guide on how to meet a celebrity.

Should you find yourself in the fortuitous position of being able to spend some quality time with your favorite celebrity, first of all, congratulations! You are vastly superior than a majority of the population and that is truly an accomplishment. Remember your experience the next time someone tries to tell you about their nominal personal accomplishment such as a promotion at work, buying a home, or giving birth to a child. Millions of people do those things every day across the world, but only a small, select group of blessed individuals meet a bonafide celebrity.

I can’t stress this enough, but remember everything about your encounter. This is an unique experience and if we’re being true to ourselves, likely your life’s peak. You will not top this moment.

What did they smell like? The perspiration that goes into achieving 18 number one hits, Dom Pérignon, and diamonds the size of fawns.

Author’s Note: I was only familiar with the smell of cubic zirconias the size of nickels up until this point.

What did their flesh feel like? Wealth, success, and a mother’s love.

Do you think you’re best friends now? If by “friends”, you mean did Mariah post an Instagram photo after the encounter with the caption: “I want to thank all the fans who came to my in-store CD signing… I’m so grateful for your support and loved meeting you” but I have the ability to read between the lines and know that she meant this comment specifically for me? Then yes, and you’re welcome, Mariah.

Everything must be savored and treasured.

Now, let’s get to it!

Golly. I’m so nervous! What should I say to my hero?

There are two options here and both are acceptable. Select the one below that best resonates with who you are as an individual and how much cocaine you have consumed in preparation for the event.

First, you can spend your time babbling about how much this person has meant to you, how they have impacted your life, and/or how they helped you get through a personal struggle in spite of you not personally knowing them (I used your song, “Outside,” as part of the interpretative dance I choreographed for my coming out announcement. Thank you so much, Mariah!).

Your story is unique and definitely not one your celebrity has heard from other fans. If you feel the tears coming on, by all means

Let.

Them.

Flow.

There is nothing your celebrity wants more than an awesome Instagram worthy photo of them looking fabulous while comforting an emotional wreck of a fan who really highlights the financial juxtaposition (that’s you!). They need to let casual fans and gossip blogs know that they are important and make an impact on people’s lives. You are helping their cause!

The second option is to allow yourself to be rendered speechless. Let your mind go completely blank and just stare at them. Allow them to quietly fear for their life as you desperately stare into the darkest corners of their soul. Your celebrity may mistake that glint of adoration in your eye for one signifying that you potentially want to devour their first born. The lines are blurred sometimes. Refrain from blinking. You must remember every moment and closing your eyes even for a brief millisecond while result in a lost memory. Lose your shit. Internally. Don’t say a word! You’ll want to say something, but their presence will be vastly too overwhelming for you. Bonus points if security is forced to intervene and physically remove you from the premises.

What’s the appropriate cadence at which to profess my love?

OMGGoodQuestionAndThankYouForAskingYoureSoSmartAndAmazingILoveYouAndYouMeanEverythingToMeI
CantBelieveThisIsHappeningImGoingToCryNoINeedToHoldItTogetherButNowYoureHereAndImLosingMyMind
AndYoureRealThisIsCrazyHahahahahahaFuckNowImCryingOkJustThirtyMoreSecondsPleaseCanIAskYouAQuick
QuestionWaitSirNoPleaseJustLetMeTellThemOneThingYouDontHaveToBeSoRoughILoveYouCanYouFollowMe
OnTwitter?

Should I bring some sort of gift and/or sacrifice? I have some fanart I put together made of ceramic, old scraps of my celebrity’s trash that I’ve quietly collected over the years, and my depression. Is now the time to lay this offering before my deity?

Yes! By all means, please bring your art, poetry, tattoos inspired by your celebrity, and children that were conceived to track eight on the celebrity’s third studio album to lay before your god. They love to see just how crazy we common people really are. It keeps them #humbled and grateful that they made it out of this simple world we peons call “life.” They absolutely feed off of these brazen displays of devotion. By that, I mean that your creepy relic will certainly serve as a pee mat for their new house training puppy. But! Your art made it into their home and that is something we should applaud.

I actually met my celebrity before (meaning 15 other times and I’ve driven by their house 27 times this month). I know this is silly, but do you think they remember me?

Oh my gosh, of course! You were the one that had the story about the thing in that city at the meet and greet that drew 4,000 fans! It will be really great to see you again and thank you so much for coming out. Yes, they will still have the sacrifice you bestowed upon them from the last meet and greet. It’s right in their award room where they “store” all of their fan gifts. If they remember, they will certainly follow you on Twitter. Again, it will be so good to see you again. Ok. Ok. Ok. Bye.

Should I hug them with the force of child being torn from their mother at the border?

Yes.

How long should the embrace last?

This is hard to say as we have to evaluate case by case, but I can provide some guidelines that may prove to be beneficial as you assess the length of your embrace.

• Don’t stop when you can feel their body tense up, that’s just the stress of being so famous escaping their body. It’s your duty here to slowly rub their lower back to make them feel more at ease.
• Don’t stop when security is trying to pry you away. They are only testing your devotion and the harder you cling, the more devoted you are.
• Don’t stop when it feels like your celebrity is beginning to suffocate, celebrities don’t die. They are reincarnated as peacocks or betta fish. You like peacocks and bettas don’t you? We all do. I saw a peacock at the zoo once that I swear was Audrey Hepburn.

Is it best to use my camera phone to document the encounter?

Despite what the handlers and security may tell you regarding using your phone for a photo or to have your celebrity speak to your partially deaf mother on speaker, you absolutely must capture this footage on your own! The photographers that have been set up in the room can not be trusted to capture your special moment with their professional equipment, steady hands, and good lighting. How will they bottle your excitement in one to three standard shots? Your blurry and shaky footage is the only worthwhile way to remember this moment when you recount this experience to your great grandchildren.

What do I do if I happen upon a celebrity in the wild?

Another well thought out question! You can take much of the advice I’ve laid out above and apply it to less professionally organized encounters as well. The only thing you may want to keep in mind is that you are likely discovering a celebrity in their private, personal time. Your presence while they are trying to enjoy dinner with their family, use a public toilet or get to their car while ducking away from the paparazzi, while unexpected, will be vastly welcomed. You may even want to begin carrying a Sharpie and your celebrity’s photo with you on your daily excursions out of your home so you never find yourself unprepared to receive a nice, fat John Hancock.

Always remember to forget how to use the camera on your phone the moment you finally do wear down your celebrity and get them to agree to one, quick photo. It may even behoove you to ask them what Snapchat filter they would prefer you use. You know celebrities are all about their looks!

Also, if you intend on gifting them with that art you have been saving for an occasion such as this, I would recommend also bringing along a plastic CVS bag for your celebrity to carry your art in for transporting ease. This will make them feel more like us common-folk and they will appreciate your forethought in providing them with a light-weight satchel for your special gift.

What do you think my celebrity is doing now? Are they as moved by our encounter as I was?

The encounter is now over. You finally depart to collect your composure, gather your thoughts, and assess how your celebrity has either surpassed or failed your expectations on what they are like in real life based on the 23 second interaction you just had. I want you to look at me when I say this and know that I mean it, ok? Your celebrity has already forgotten about you and is meeting another enthusiastic fan who will also find themselves disappearing like fish food at the bottom of an aquarium in your celebrity’s memory.

In fact, your celebrity was thinking about all of the wild, rich people sex and borderline extinct animals they will eat for dinner during your entire encounter. It didn’t even register that you were there until they found themselves in dire fear for their life as you squeezed the talent and wealth right out of their body and the ending of Selena popped into their head.

I kid! Your celebrity also found this moment to be truly special and unique. Just like a Melania Trump speech. While all of the other fan encounters they had were forgettable and rather bland, yours meant something. In fact, they couldn’t even concentrate on the next fan as they were so enthralled by your dedication to them. It might behoove you to tweet out a marriage proposal right now. I think your celebrity is expecting it.

Finally, I offer this last piece of advice to you, my celebrity-hobnobbing-friend: Going forward, it is your civic duty to constantly remind people of your celebrity encounter every chance you get. If your friends and family forget about your celebrity encounter, it cheapens the entire experience so please, be sure to post about it on social media as often as possible and find ways to verbally humble brag about your experience. Remember, this happened to you so everyone cares about it!

Good luck out there, tiger!