This post can also be found on my new podcast, “I’ll Come Back to This Later.” Check it out on Spotify or here if you’re just like, lost.

Sometimes there are things that just rub us the wrong way. We can’t properly articulate the why, how, or what of it. We just know that we hate that thing and would be very glad if we never heard from or saw it again. We’re salty because our opinions aren’t seasoned.

I have a short, but thorough list of items I irrationally hate as I’m sure most of you do as well. Fortunately, due to the consideration I have placed on keeping your interest in this blog, we will not be going through the complete list at this time although I’m sure many of you would love to hear about my disdain for nature’s blood clot, the strawberry.

That’s a different episode for a different day.

Today, I would like to focus on the music world.

Since this is now a podcast and blog mix, I felt it best we stay within the realm of the music I irrationally hate.

For me, that comes in the form of R&B singer, Jason Derulo.

Fuck that guy.

The moment I hear him singing his own name at the top of a track, I know that whatever is about to follow is going to be pure auditory trash. My fingers cannot find the skip button quick enough. At the very least, I can thank him for issuing the warning that I have indeed stumbled upon a Jason Derulo track and further prevent me from losing seconds of my life completing his song. Pitbull often does not offer his listeners the same courtesy and will shout his own moniker halfway through the song when it’s often too late and the only recourse one has is to locate a bro from Jersey (or if you’re on the west coast, almost anywhere in California particularly the Los Angeles area, will do) and make out with him while wearing a neon tank top and shutter shades illuminated by one of those blacklights from MTV’s Room Raiders.

So, thanks for that, Jason Derulo… I guess.

For the longest, my irrational musical hatred was directed at Beyonce.

Did you hear that?

It was the sound of everyone simultaneously clicking out of this post over Beyonce slander. Let me clarify, I have since adjusted my stance on Beyonce after realizing that it wasn’t her that I took issue with. It was her fans. My God are they annoying and this is coming from a hardcore Mariah Carey lamb.

When someone is propped up as God’s greatest gift to the world since Jesus himself got the whole party lit with that water wine and a fish fry, one has to take pause. One must take even more pause when the deity in question seems to buy into their own hype and believe that their water wine and fish fry recipe would be better than Jesus’s. One must pause even further when the deity in question might actually be right because it’s very likely Jesus did not have access to Lawry’s and was probably just using sea salt maybe some oregano but Beyonce would definitely have access to better seasonings as the technology has advanced greatly in the last few centuries.

Also, I wasn’t able to recall a time when I had heard Beyonce speak for more than five minutes and it led me to question whether she is truly as great as we are to believe or if she was just another manufactured child star who literally only knows how to put on a show and then go home and sit on the couch until her team trots her out to do it again.

I realize Beyonce didn’t deserve that and I’d like to use my platform to now issue a formal apology to Beyonce Knowles as I’m sure she is reading and cared deeply about my uninformed opinion of her.

I had to adjust my irrational hatred for Beyonce because my hatred now had rationality and it wasn’t even her fault! She can’t help that the Beyhive is stuck in their own excrement of fandom thinking her album, 4, was the epitome of music in 2012 and the rest of us were happy to just drizzle it on our toast and be like, “Oh yeah. Love on Top is a bop.” Also, it turned out I was missing out on some good songs and performances after spending years avoiding them. That’s an ‘L’ I am embarrassed but will deservedly take.

Jason Derulo has yet to prove me wrong.

Now, it’s nothing personal against Jason Derulo. Based on his thirst trap TikToks he’s definitely creative. There is some great editing there if you can get past the contorted faces punctuated with unnecessary lip biting and sneering usually saved for high school boys and lesbians who like to lipsync and dance on the app. I’d prefer never to enter conversation with him as I couldn’t take the cut-off sleeve sweatshirts he seems to favor seriously and know I wouldn’t have the maturity not to laugh at them in real life, but Jordin Sparks dated him for a long time and she seems like a very nice person that wouldn’t deal with a complete douchebag.

I trust Jordin Sparks. She was in a Whitney Houston film.

So we’re going to assume Jason is probably a nice guy who has forgotten that he’s famous and doesn’t need to do these things on the internet.

I was curious as to who exactly listens to Jason Derulo’s music. He’s not exactly fulfilling any specific vacancies in the music space. Older R&B fans of color tend to favor Usher or one of the numerous R&B groups from the 90s that had names that made very little sense like Jodeci or Dru Hill. Younger fans of color bop to Trey Songz or Bryson Tiller. White people have elevated Justin Bieber into the R&B space and Black people pretended that was ok because white people accepted Hootie (or Darius Rucker depending on much twang you like in your guitar) into the rock and country worlds. The Weeknd seems to appeal to fans of “pop&B” that also enjoy doing cocaine off of toilet seats in clubs at 2am.

So where exactly does Jason Derulo fall? No. That wasn’t a reference to that meme of a guy in a white suit that may or may not be Jason Derulo falling down the stairs at the Cannes Film Festival.

I’ve simply never met anyone that said with complete sincerity, “I’m a huge Jason Derulo fan!” It’s weird to even say that aloud. It feels like I just unleashed something vicious into the air. I imagine this is what the guy that started the spread of Covid felt after that first fateful sneeze. And yes, guy. Everyone knows historically men have been the spark that ignited the chaos in the world.

It wasn’t until I was having a conversation with a friend who lives abroad about what she dubbed “sex music” which is what most of us just call “R&B” that I discovered who exactly is listening to Jason Derulo.

It’s Europeans.

At first, this baffled me. Of all of the great music artists available to grace their ears with genuinely good music, Jason Derulo is the import they selected?

Then, it hit me. Of course, they like Jason Derulo. His music straddles that line between dance, R&B, and pop that feels diverse enough to people that don’t actually know any better. Plus, he dresses like a middle aged Euro DJ at Ultra. Europe lets men DJ until they’re about 65 and their hearing is long gone. The elderly are valued dearly there.

I immediately had flashbacks to being in clubs in Europe and yes, the soundtrack often included Jason Derulo mixed in with some Euro artists that loved to randomly add in somewhat dated American slang into their songs. To be honest, I didn’t mind because it was nice to see a group of French people singing about “bling bling.” The pure joy was contagious. But Jason Derulo!? That’s where I must draw the line.

Also, middle aged white women like Jason Derulo, but that goes back to Jason feeling diverse enough to people that don’t actually know any better.

You may be sitting at home or in your car or in a field somewhere (I don’t know where you read your blogs) wondering why I would waste time even bothering to talk so extensively about something I hate irrationally. You may even be wondering why you’ve endured this useless rant for as long as you have. That’s some soul searching you’ll have to do on your own time, I’m afraid. Jason Derulo isn’t harming anyone with his music and if I don’t like it, I can choose to simply ignore it.

And I do.

Here’s the thing and I hope you find yourself relating… although, chances are you do if you’ve made it this far: I have a lot of time on my hands. Yes, I could be solving real problems and working toward tangible goals or making TikToks I’ll be embarrassed about in two years but I’d rather spend just a few moments of my day being completely ridiculous thinking and talking about things that have zero meaning and purpose to my every day.

There’s a lot going on in the world and there’s even more pressure, sometimes self-inflicted, to constantly be working, producing, creating, exercising, eating, hanging out, etc. Some people say a good cry helps. I argue a good irrational hate helps. Direct your negative energy into something that doesn’t know or care that you exist.

For your health.

I implore you all to find it in your heart to irrationally hate today. But only dumb things like making music that sounds like it would be better suited for the Sims. Hating individuals based on things they cannot help such as their skin color or physical appearance or handicap is just flat out ignorance and frankly, stupid. We ha­ve evolved well beyond that, baby.