“…Job?”

I rest a perspiring glass of whiskey on my leg. I’m wearing my finest Puma 2016 Summer Collection. Also, I drink whiskey now.

“I haven’t heard that name in ages.”

By “drink,” I mean I slosh the alcohol around the glass with the dexterity of someone cleaning a toilet bowl. I regret selecting the bottle of Jack Daniels over the 12 pack of Truly at Total Wine. At the time, it seemed like the appropriate beverage for my mood—pensive, melancholy, overly dramatic (but if we’re being honest, when am I not being dramatic?). I had forgotten I don’t like what I’ve dubbed Charles drinks; the kind that feel like they cause you to reek of Cuban cigars and leather couches, sprout gray chest hairs and suddenly find golf interesting. You know, things that someone named Charles probably enjoys. Now, I’m sober and out $22.

I stare out of the rain streaked window and in a voice barely above a whisper:

“Yes, I used to know her.”

I have officially been unemployed for six days as of this writing.

When the time came, I wasn’t entirely surprised that I was among the tributes. Everything is in a complete shamble right now. We’re currently seeing unemployment rates that are rivaling the Great Depression era. The economy is being hit like it’s a Saturday night pay-per-view special. Unemployment is the new herpes—a lot of us have it and none of us want it.

Look at this fancy college graduate here with your job that you still go to every day. Oh, you have meetings to still be bored in? Must be nice. Direct deposits still hitting on the 15^th and 30^th? My bank account just Netflix’d me and asked if I was still there because I’m not making cents.

To make it out of this economic downturn with your job, health, and sanity unscathed is truly a miracle.

If you’ve never been let go before, let me walk you through this wild process. Being terminated from a job is very similar to getting your moustache waxed; it’s painful, quick, and you’re left a little red (whether that’s from embarrassment, anger, or hurt is left at your discretion). You’re sitting in front of HR being told your services are no longer needed and while you’re trying to process that dreadful information (but how will I buy stuff???) you’re also trying to listen with your good ear about next steps (hand over your key card and don’t make direct contact with your former colleagues. Failure may be catching) while simultaneously having your existence at the company quickly scrubbed and your company access revoked (I’m sorry what did you say your name was again?).

This is all done swiftly so as to prevent those rogue crazies you hear about on the news or via a Facebook link from your aunt who spams the family group chat from going all Villanelle in the office with a butter knife that was swiped from the kitchen. We can’t have the counter where we ate Gladys’s retirement casserole five months ago sullied by the wrath of Winston. We sang three rounds of “She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” for Christ’s Sake!

This is not always a successful endeavor. Some of those on the receiving end of the termination are (obviously) angered by their forced departure and go absolutely ham with that delete button in their documents folder and ready their angry fingers to besmirch the good name of an employer on Glassdoor completely ignoring the fact that they were pretty chill with the company a mere two minutes earlier. These people seem to forget about a little thing called references. It’s practically the only way to get a job these days. Applying online is about as useful as handing your resume to a toddler holding a Magic Marker and expecting some meaningful art. Yes, mom loves it, but Louvre worthy it is not.

At least that untethered display of emotion is entertaining and gives the rest of us something new to talk about on Instagram. Lord knows we’re all over seeing photos of the weird bread you’re making and it’s safe to say we’ve all been drunk for three straight months now. Let’s spice up the content.

There is a brief moment when you’re in the throes of being dismissed where you’re tempted to halt the termination spiel, hold up a hand and retort, “Actually, no thanks!” Then, you would quietly stand up with perplexed eyes fixated on your back as you return to your desk and resume your work duties (browsing Reddit and setting up meetings that are better suited for an email) as if nothing happened. You still expect your paycheck in two weeks.

“Oh, well we were going to let you go but since you declined, I guess we have to keep you on for a bit longer. We’ll try again another time.”

“Sounds lovely! I doubt my response will have changed, but let’s just play it by ear? I wonder if there’s any retirement casserole left in the kitchen…”

Being laid off is weird. You can’t help but wonder if it was you. Maybe something you said. Perhaps something you did. Or didn’t do. Why me and not Carl in accounting??? He hasn’t done anything since ’83!

It’s very reminiscent of going through a divorce (not like I know from experience) except you were paid to be around and your job likely didn’t tell you that you have a nice ass.

Or maybe it did.

I don’t know what casual Fridays are like where you work(ed), but maybe you want to talk to HR before you sign those severance papers…

To all my laid off comrades, it’s easy and natural to want to place blame on someone for being in this position. Whether it’s your company, coworkers, yourself, the current presidential administration, some random person who may or may not have eaten or touched something they shouldn’t have in a faraway country… actually, let’s go back to the presidential administration. They deserve 100% of the blame.

I’m kidding.

Kind of.

Chances are if you’ve been let go in the last few months, it was nothing you really could have done better or differently. This is not your fault! It’s a shitty time; one of which the impacts will linger for years and we’re still not entirely in the clear yet. There really isn’t much you could have done to prevent any of this. If you were fired, however, that’s all on you. Please take this pause in employment to dive into your own shortcomings and explore how you can be better in your next endeavor.

Unemployment is scary. Especially now. The demand outweighs the supply. There are several talented individuals going after jobs they are vastly overqualified for simply to get meals back on the table and just as many college graduates fresh out of a Zoom graduation looking to put that Art History degree to use in the real world (we’ll let them figure out the error there on their own). It’s an arduous process and can truly take a toll on your self-esteem and mental well-being (there’s only so many times I can upload my resume and then be forced to re-input the entire document before resigning my life to pushing a rusted three-wheeled shopping cart filled with recyclables and dead squirrels I share my deepest secrets with before falling asleep in an abandoned pick-up truck by a bridge starts to not seem like such a bad idea anymore). Add in a dash of unpaid bills. Then, you layer a pandemic on top of it and well, you have a fresh out of the oven freak-out on your hands. Most of us have never been laid off before and considering I’m one of over 39 million unemployed Americans makes it even scarier.

Conversely, there’s also a weird sense of fellowship there. Somehow knowing that I’m in the same position as unprecedented numbers of unemployed Americans makes it slightly less stressful.

I said slightly!

I don’t know every single one of the 38,999,999 other people that now spend the majority of their days trying to trick the HR bots into reading their resume by using the secret resume words that get you selected for a phone interview and fighting over job postings like tigers competing for stolen spoiled bologna at Joe Exotic’s zoo, but I do like knowing I’m not alone.

I’m not alone in being frustrated over getting my fifth automated rejection email of the day or not being able to get the stupid unemployment site to work or canceling summer plans that were probably going to get cancelled anyways because of corona or feeling a bit freaked out over not knowing when I’ll have a steady income again.

So where do we, the unemployed masses, even go from here? Do we start a book club? Frankly, when I wrote this, I didn’t even really know what the point of this post would be. There isn’t much solace that can be offered when a situation centered around one’s livelihood is so dire and uncertain. I certainly don’t have a solution as I’m in the same place as many of you. I can only speak for myself when I say getting laid off does indeed suck. At the same time, there’s no point in looking back at the what-ifs and the should haves. There is only the quickly fleeting present and malleable future.

This is a time when the world is being a little more forgiving. Take advantage and don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe that looks like a career pivot or learning a new skill/going back to school to increase your marketability for future jobs or even going into your closet, closing the door and screaming until your lungs burn with the fury of just being over it all. Hell, I spent the first few days of my unemployed life doing nothing but binge-watching all three seasons of Killing Eve until my eyes hurt and my inner monologue spoke in a Russian accent.

Connect with your network. People want to help. Put what you want out there.

That said, we’ve entered the shameless self-promotion portion of this post.

I am on the market again and looking for work preferably as an Associate Creative Director or in a writing role. I mean, you read this article. THIS GIRL WAS BORN TO WRITE! Someone hire me. (But like really because I have bills and a standard of living I am extremely accustomed to of which I simply cannot turn back now).

Hire me in the next 30 days and the jokes come for free.

Who am I kidding? They’re always free.