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Here’s the thing about me, if I didn’t expect to see you, I can be weird. I don’t like pop-up social encounters. Don’t be surprising me with social activity! I need at least 24 hours to physically and mentally prep and put on this personality, dahling. But sometimes, you get caught in the wild with your social guard up.

If you’re like me, (and my inability to think about anyone besides myself tells me that we are one in the same, sister girl) you probably don’t know how to walk down a path properly once you’ve spotted someone you know walking toward you. When I say “someone you know,” I mean people you see often enough that your brain goes, “oh, there’s a person I should acknowledge should I have the grave misfortune of making eye contact with them.”

This short list can include:

• Individuals we know quite well and consider friends. They likely know enough of our personal business to destroy our reputations for financial gain in the off chance we become massively famous at some point.
• Individuals that we don’t quite consider friends, but rather acquaintances because “friends” just seems like too strong of a word for an individual that we chat up in the commissary line every Taco Tuesday while commenting on how fresh the guacamole looks this week. It’s questionable, but you both decide to splurge on some guac anyway.
• Individuals that we don’t necessarily want to die because publicly wishing death on someone can get you locked up these days. That said, were we to hear about some sort of life altering misfortune they’re experiencing (not death but like one strong sneeze away from it), would we strip naked, don war paint and a towel cape while blasting Queen’s We Are The Champions and dance around our bedroom? Yes.

Now that we’ve established the various levels of relationships we can have with people, I think we can comfortably move forward knowing we’re on the same page.

Page 82.

I have found myself walking about caught in my own thoughts of what life could be like if I actually applied myself or envisioning some sort of life situation that will absolutely never happen, (the chances of me needing to fill in for Kelly Ripa are nil. If, however, I one day got the call at 6am, best believe I’m ready to host an hour of national broadcast morning television.) only to look up and realize I am blindly strolling right into a social encounter with an individual who falls into one of the aforementioned categories.

On average, this happens at least twice a month which is about two times too many for my liking.

Here’s my conundrum: What is the exact distance where verbal greetings and acknowledgments of the other person should be expressed?

The moment you initially spot someone is often too far. You’re about 75 feet away (you ate your carrots as a child so you got that good eyesight) shouting pleasantries at each other and forming the beginning of what is certain to be a lackluster conversation. As you get closer you have to slowly adjust the decibels of your voices to an acceptable level until you finally meet and are able to speak at normal volumes:

HEY! HOW’S IT GOING?

**indeterminate response**

IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU!

**indeterminate response**

WHERE ARE YOU—

**indeterminate response which cuts you off**

WHAT?

**indeterminate response delivered slower but still… no**

I CAN’T HEAR…

**indeterminate response**

I SAID I CAN’T HEAR YOU

**indeterminate response which sounded like it may have been appropriate but who knows**

**to yourself** Why couldn’t this idiot wait until we got clo–

**indeterminate question but you think you heard what they said**

NO, I WAS JUST LEAVING THE STORE.

**indeterminate response sounds a lot like “what?”**

I SAID LEAVING THE STO–

**to yourself** Why is this idiot running toward me? Who runs toward someone?

YOU RUN LIKE A GAZELLE… IT’S VERY NICE.

**to yourself** Should I run so we meet at an appropriate spot?

Why are you runn–

Your friend runs up out of breath. “Hey! I decided to run it. It was awkward to just shout like that… You coming from the store?”

You can try the silent approach where you spot someone but don’t say anything until you’re at a normal speaking distance. However, you run the risk of looking like you’re walking toward each other, hands readied on sheaths, prepared to duel over who gets to take the hand of a fair maiden. While more interesting, albeit moderately terrifying for anyone that happens to be walking by at the moment, that would also look stupid.

Alternatively, and go with me on this one because I think I may be on to something here, both parties could quickly avert their eyes to the ground and send out little echolocation clicks like dolphins until they sense they are at an appropriate distance for chatter. At this point, they’ll both look up and immediately launch into whatever useless small talk people have in random locations. Stuff about spreadsheets or your niece’s dance recital or Chipotle or a non-cancerous mole that you’ve recently acquired. Whatever feels like the least productive use of your social counterpart’s time.

Personally, I’d love that, but it would also require a lot of training. Maybe even a special course in elementary school, which I’m not sure we’re ready to do as a society yet. I mean, we can’t even agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza.

It doesn’t and I’m ready to enter into a verbal brawl with anyone that disagrees.

We need to come together and make some decisions! I’m tired of looking like a jerk when I spot someone I know out in public and wait too long before acknowledging them.

I worked in corporate America. I’m black and I’m a woman. I had to be on my bubbly, friendly, ooo-girl-let’s-go-gossip-over-cocktails shit at all times. There is no room for awkward errors lest I be labeled “the sassy, angry black girl” in the office. We all know black women have to work twice as hard to be perceived as affable and approachable. One out-of-tune “hmm” after a coworker’s questionable contribution to a brainstorm or poorly timed folded arm during a company all-hands meeting and it’s over for me.

I need to get my social shit together!

Seeing as how most offices these days are filled primarily with Gen-Z and Millennial over-achieving, eager to please youts (yes, youts), I was often forced to engage in office small talk every time I stood from my desk to relieve myself in the office facilities (“Where ya headed?”), scavenge for sustenance (“Whatcha going to get?”), or breathe (“Can I get your advice on something? I have this black friend…”). The number of times I have been met with, “Didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you say hi???” or the overly jubilant shouting of my name down an echoing hallway because I waited a beat too long to say “hi” is becoming too much for my little negro heart to bear.

At the same time, I also can’t bring myself to scream at someone halfway down the hall and then launch us into a waving and shouting fit until we reach an acceptable distance for conversation. This would also prove to be physically cumbersome as I have dainty Victorian era wrists not meant for physical activity lasting longer than 1.4 seconds or holding anything heavier than an oyster fork. I would also much rather use my “outdoor” voice for my home shower concerts which have an audience of one.

So how far is too far? Are we better of just never leaving the safety of our homes to avoid risking looking like a fool in front of people?

Covid says yes.

I’ve had some time to think about this (clearly) and have come up with this rough calculation based on a lot of error and almost no trial. With that in mind, I ask that you please take the following as truth and do not ask for any additional explanations on how I came to this conclusion:

Distance to individual / time to find an acceptable alternative route that avoids said individual – distance to not accidentally run into this individual again = pretend to be suddenly stricken with deafness and blindness  

I must note, these calculations are metric. If converting to American, you’ve already accepted that you will be locked into dialogue as soon as both parties have locked eyes. Distance be damned. Americans refuse to be rude and conversation will continue until both individuals are standing just close enough where one or both parties are heavily contemplating a swift strike to the opposing party’s neck, rendering them paralyzed just long enough to skitter away from this terrible encounter.

Neither party will, of course.

For pleasantries sake.

But the thought will be deeply considered.

Seeing as both parties are too nice to know how to gracefully bow out of the conversation, you’ll be left standing there chatting about irrelevant matters until one of the following occurs:

a) Interruption by a mutual acquaintance of both parties who will be added to the discussion and is then stuck in the conversational roundabout of nothingness.

b) Interruption by an acquaintance of one party, at which point the odd man out will gladly relinquish the conversational burden to the new participant and will excuse themselves into freedom. Involuntary tears of joy may emerge.

c) Death

At least you didn’t make it awkward.