Thank you for uploading your beautifully designed resume that expresses your individuality, but is unfortunately, not compliant with the formatting our system needs to read your resume so you had to type out the entire thing again and also your interest in our company! We look forward to reviewing your qualifications and determining if you are a fit for our organization. Spoiler: you aren’t

🙂

Okay! Let’s get to picking this thing a part. Right off of the bat, your name isn’t something that we can easily pronounce.

Shoot. I was worried using my birth name, which has been in my family for centuries would be problematic. I’ll think of a nickname by the time I start so you guys feel better.

Mmhmm. Are you a non-white? We’ll ask again at the end of the application as an “optional” question and we’ll say it doesn’t make any impact on our decision, but it does and we can already tell you’re definitely not white so we’re hesitant.

I’m not sure that’s entirely legal to ask…

Let’s look at this experience. It looks like you’ve never actually written 7-10 articles encouraging people to use deodorant on their feet in lieu of socks. We need someone who has written specifically on this topic multiple times throughout their career.

No, but I can show you an entire portfolio of work that can easily be translated to this work. Also, what the hell?

Ah. You only have 3 years of writing experience. We need someone with 8 for this associate level role.

Ah. Well, good luck finding someone with that much experience willing to accept this salary level, but I’m eager and looking to make a change, so I will gladly accept the cut in pay.

Sorry. It looks like we won’t be moving your resume forward to an actual human because it didn’t include any of our secret resume words that were programmed into the system we use to read resumes instead of reviewing by hand.

Oh, well. Do you mind if I try again?

Yes, we mind. Don’t do it. We’ll keep your resume that doesn’t have any of the secret words on file just in case you happen to have some of our future secret words.

I feel like maybe an interview can help you assess if I’m a proper fit. I can talk about my previous work experience and how I would apply those learnings to this role. Maybe we can do that for 10 minutes?

I think we’re good actually.

But you haven’t even look–

No, we only want people that know the secret resume words that alerts our systems that you’re a match.

Well, what are those words?

It’s basically the entire job description we posted, but like, make it your own without changing too much otherwise the system won’t be able to tell if you’re a good fit.

So you want me to copy it?

No. Don’t do that. We want savvy, curious, and passionate ninjas who will bring something new to the table, but have already been doing this job somewhere else, who will wow us with their proven track record of being absolute rockstars, but by rockstars we mean one of the members of Maroon 5 who isn’t Adam Levine, because we need do-ers and dreamers who are comfortable taking a backseat meaning they ride in a separate tour bus from Adam, no one can identify them on the street, and if any of them left the band, they could easily be replaced by another no-name. The computer said this doesn’t sound like you.

Ok. I think I can do that. I’ll even include a nice cover letter to further elaborate on how this all shapes into me being the perfect candidate.

We received many applications and while your resume was impressive (for a different company) and your cover letter was unread, we have decided to move forward with other more-qualified candidates meaning they are doing the same job at another company and/or knew someone here.

Thanks?

We’re going to post a job listing for a role that’s already been filled internally to waste other people’s time. Have a nice day!