June 8, 2019

8:47am

FROM: Human Resources (hr@wedohrthings.com)

TO: P (p@genericcompanyemail.com)

cc: COMPANY ALL (everybodyatthefuckingcompany@genericcompanyemail.com)

SUBJECT: Congratulations to P on 1 Year at Our Generic Company!

Dear P,

We’d like to thank you for one year of dedicated and committed service to our company. Your fortitude and persistence have not gone unnoticed. We look forward to many more years with you as a part of the family here at… whatever.

Everyone, please be sure to give P, a gracious HR appropriate pat on the back today on a job well done!

Thanks,

Management

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June 8, 2019

9:05am

FROM: P (p@genericcompanyemail.com)

TO: Human Resources (hr@wedohrthings.com)

cc: COMPANY ALL (everybodyatthefuckingcompany@genericcompanyemail.com)

SUBJECT: RE: Congratulations on 1 Year!

Wow. Awkward time to announce I’m quitting.

I kid.

Let me get my soap box so the people in the back can see me. **stands on soap box**

Thank you for the opportunity to deliver an unsolicited speech and thank you to the rest of whatever this company is called for not celebrating anything more important today like a birthday or more impressive work anniversary than my first. Your commitment to my day has not gone unnoticed.

When I started here a year ago I was honestly about the same. I have not matured or developed professionally one iota and I’m ok with that. Someone wrote in my 8th grade yearbook “never change!!!! lylas!!!!” and I really took that to heart so this is for you, whomever that was!

I’ve enjoyed getting to know most of you in the last year. I say most because some of you I still have yet to meet (I’m avoiding you) and I take full responsibility for that (no, I don’t). I’ll dedicate the next year to meeting the people that are new to me and by “dedicate” I mean I’ll forget I said this immediately upon hitting send. Please don’t bring this up at our annual conference. I will not remember and it will be weird.

I’ll now take the time to call out my immediate team and mix in veery confusing actions and greetings because they are the only ones still reading this and have the pleasure of dealing with me on a daily basis. There are other people here that I almost enjoy but I’ve rambled on for way too long at this point and frankly, many of you have ceased reading this. I certainly have.

Ntwayz!

Gretchen: **kid and play dance**
Will B: hello!
Lesleigh: hey!
Ford: what’s up!
Justin: ayyyy!
Arthur: **ET finger touch**
Will D: sup!
Kate: howdy!
Victoria: **fist bump**
Sabra: ciao!
Ash: **passionate kiss with tongue**
Ashley: what’s good!
Ashleigh: hola!
Ashleh: **elaborate secret handshake**

But back to me, a huge thank you to me for being me because it would feel so empty without me. I couldn’t have accomplished a year here without me so thank me for believing and motivating me.

**I somehow shout from the back of the room** You go, girl!

Oh and thanks to my mom and Mariah Carey for obvious reasons.

You’re welcome!

P

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June 8, 2019

9:07am

FROM: Human Resources (hr@wedohrthings.com)

TO: P (p@genericcompanyemail.com)

SUBJECT: RE: RE: Congratulations to P on 1 Year at Our Generic Company!

After further consideration, it seems our work family may not be a cultural fit. We’re placing time on your calendar along with your manager to further discuss.

Thanks,

HR