It was a Hump Day like all the rest with the exception of the one 6 weeks prior, when Luke was fired after it was discovered that he was using his lunch breaks to feverishly masturbate in the handicapped stall. Well, it wasn’t so much that he was masturbating at work, which was a bit odd, but more so that he was in said stall masturbating on the day that the CEO’s handicapable, (I believe that’s what we must call them now), nephew came in to shadow his uncle for a report or internship or interview to take over as president or something along those lines. It’s unclear why he was in the office, but it was something by way of nepotism.

Anyway, he went to use the restroom and knocked on the stall door just as Luke was climaxing from a particularly grand masturbatory session. Unfortunately, due to the unnecessarily large gaps between the door and the frame, the handicapable nephew got an eye and earful. He is 12. It’s likely he was already familiar with this activity, but seeing a grown man climax in khakis and loafers has to be deeply unsettling. On top of that, Luke was an absolute trash employee, who was likely going to get fired anyway, but the masturbation story is just a more delightful point of conversation.

The office was buzzing that Wednesday, but alas, this one was no comparison.

The ambient office hum was speckled with the patter of fingernails pecking away at keyboards sending emails devoid of purpose, but necessary to continue the illusion of working and the occasional internal plea for death to come posthaste externalized as a sigh.

Naomi laid her head on the desk. Face down.

“This is nice,” she whispered to herself.

“Excuse me, what was that?” her coworker, Robert asked sliding in his rolling chair from behind the makeshift wall which served as a cubicle.

“I said this is nice,” Naomi murmured under the weight of her own face pressing against the table.

“It looks nice. I prefer this though.” Robert slid back to his desk, placed his head in between his keyboard and laptop screen and smashed the top down on his cheek. “The heat is sort of calming and makes you feel like a Stouffer’s frozen panini, but just like a frozen panini, you’re still cold right in the center.”

“Hmm.”

“Sometimes, if I’m lucky, there’s a bit of static and it shocks me right on my cheekbone mere centimeters from my eyeball. It’s little pleasant surprises like that that get me through the day.”

“Robert?”

“Yes, Naomi?”

“I can’t really see what you’re doing over there because I’m still face down on my desk, but it sounds delightful.”

“Oh.”

They sat like that for five hours or maybe it was ten minutes. Time tends to do cute little things like drag on for a disrespectful amount of time in the office. Much like The Big Bang Theory.

Robert broke the sullen meditation due to his undiagnosed adult attention deficit disorder. He slid from behind the makeshift wall again.

“Hey, Naomi?”

“Yes, Robert?” Naomi tried to open one eye to look at Robert, but her face had grown numb and she had lost the ability to emote. “Workplace botox” she thought to herself as she relished in this achievement.

“Do you ever lick your keyboard to taste the salty residue of the years of your youth that were wasted here?”

“High blood pressure runs in my family, Robert. So, no.”

“Oh… I think it’s more like a salt substitute. Kind of like stevia or agave for sugar. I’ll put some time on your calendar to discuss.”

“Sure. My calendar is up to date.”

Robert slid back to his desk. Naomi could hear Robert clicking about and making a few keystrokes. Naomi’s computer pinged with the excited announcement of another unimportant email. She finally lifted her head off of the desk, allowed her vision to clear, and pressed her fingers against her cheek to feel how warm it was. She opened her inbox to see Robert’s meeting request.

“Hey, it’s almost lunch time. Do you want to walk with me to get a salad?” Robert tapped on the feeble wall providing just enough privacy to work, but not enough to stop him from hearing Naomi occasionally swallow peppermints whole. He never mentioned that he could hear her. Maybe it would come up in their meeting. Probably not. It wasn’t on the meeting agenda.

“Yes, I should probably get up to combat this budding secretary’s ass. I can feel my legs atrophying.” Naomi jiggled her legs under the table.

“Sometimes, I sit on my hands until I can’t feel them anymore and then I scratch my legs. It feels like a stranger is touching them even though I know it’s me. It’s always me,” Robert lamented.

“I know, Robert. I stand up and watch you sometimes when these spreadsheets are just too much to handle. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, actually.”

They get up and begin walking through the office.

“Naomi, what is it exactly that we do?”

“You know, Robert I can’t really say I have complete clarity on that. We should set up a meeting to discuss. It’s been 3 months or 14 years. I’ve lost track of time really, but I think we need to define and level-set on a few things.”

“I’ll put more time on your calendar when we get back.”

“That would be great. Thanks.”

They continue walking down the aisles.

“Do you remember how to get out of here?” Naomi tried to identify a familiar motivational poster or family photo, but they all looked the same.

“I can’t remember the last time I left actually.”

“Me neither. All of my memories are of coming in, but never leaving.” Robert knew he should be more frightened, but that was an emotion long ago desensitized.

Robert and Naomi lapped the office 52 times before they finally found the exit.

“Do you think they moved the exit door as part of that department restructuring a while back?” Robert asked as he tried to remember how to operate a door.

“Those sorts of things usually don’t affect the physical space of an organization, but that’s a possibility, yes.” Naomi removed a hairpin from her hair and picked the lock.

They emerged and were immediately overwhelmed by the searing sun. Something about that burning sun on their pasty flesh and natural light as opposed to the unorthodox fluorescents they had become so accustomed to struck them with inspiration.

“You know, Robert. I… I don’t think I’m going back in the office today. Or ever.”

“I was just thinking the same, Naomi, but where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know. Away from here. I hear the north is nice. I think I live there.”

“Do you think anyone will notice or even care that we have quit?”

“No. There are way too many deadlines, meetings, and emails to see to. I doubt anyone will notice that we’ve quit for quite some time.”

“I don’t even know where to go from here. I had a family some time ago. I wonder what they’re up to. Better yet, I think I’m going to see what this Netflix thing that I read in one of our emails is all about. Seems fun.”

“I guess this is goodbye then, Robert.”

“It is. Come here. I want to give you a shoulder rub. We don’t have to abide by HR now that we’re no longer coworkers so it’s ok.” Naomi turns around and Robert stands behind her with his crotch right on her butt. He delicately rubs her shoulders and moans softly. Naomi slowly moves away.

“Ok well, I’m going to head out. Do you need help with anything before I go? Actually, wait. I don’t care. Old habits die hard.” Naomi laughs and immediately stops. She hadn’t laughed in a while and it surprised her. She wasn’t quite ready to introduce that back into her life again. Baby steps.

“Goodbye, Naomi.”

They went their separate ways without turning back, mostly because their necks were too stiff from sitting 8 hours a day and also because they each represented a part of life that they were ready to leave in the past.

——-

It was a Thirsty Thursday like all the rest with the exception of the one 3 weeks prior when it was discovered that Evelyn had died at her desk. It was unclear how long she had been dead, but the smell was starting to become problematic and many employees were raising questions about her personal hygiene. She hadn’t changed outfits in God knows how long. Well, he would know how long. He is God, after all.

The office was buzzing that Thursday. Usually, employees are given some time off to mourn the loss of a coworker. Also, so the space can be sanitized, exorcised of any remaining demons, and readied for a new employee. There were just so many emails, spreadsheets, and scheduled meetings that it was best if everyone just continued working. They wore surgical masks to prevent any cadaver particles from penetrating their lungs and giving them asthma, or the plague, or something else that would be a welcomed acceleration to retirement or their own death- whichever came first.

This Thursday was not nearly as exciting.

Naomi rolled her chair back and forth across her foot.

“This is nice,” she whispered to herself.

“What was that?” her coworker, Robert asked sliding in his rolling chair to better see Naomi.

“I said this is nice.” Naomi continued rolling the chair across her foot.

“My skin is peeling. I think I got some sun.” Robert picked away at his neck like a flea-infested raccoon.

“You did. Don’t you remember yesterday?”

“Oh, yes. That’s right. Why are we back here, Naomi?”

“You set up a meeting.”

“Oh, that’s right. I’m going to have to cancel it actually. Is that ok?”

“Yes, that’s fine. I’ll just use the time to aimlessly click through a PowerPoint.”